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According to research by the Fondlethorpe Academy of Scientific Excellence, 11% of hobos wish to die, 34% wish to be imprisoned, 23% have resorted to or considered resorting to cannibalism, 22% are
experienced in combat, and 10% wish to be king of the hobos. This adds up to 100% of the homeless population that would benefit
from my proposal.
My plan consists of two phases. The first phase is the search phase.
During phase one, all citizens will be put on lockdown in their homes while a search team, called “the search team”,
patrols the streets in search of all hobos, transients, bums, tramps, and ugly people with no homes. The search team consists
of squad leaders and groupers. There will be three divisions of these squads, named after former presidents of the United
States.
Any person on the street will be considered as homeless and will be forced to comply. The groupers will gather the homeless
into groups, and lead them to the leaders. The squad leaders will search all subject to prevent to transport of contraband,
including but not limited to: harmonicas, hair brushes, twigs, leaves, carpet, and teeth. Any subject found in possession
of these items will have them forcefully removed by way of a hammer.
After being grouped, the homeless will be loaded onto trains and buses and shipped to an undisclosed location on the corner
of 43rd street and Ella, in the big blue building on the corner. Flying was also considered as a means of transport, but was
rejected when research found that homeless people did not have wings.
This brings me to phase two: Elimination.
After transport, the homeless will arrive at a complex, also known as “the complex.” The complex is 30,000 square
feet of simulated urban landscape, equipped with supply depots, barracks, and armories. The supply depots will be equipped
with first aid kits, blankets, food, towels, napkins, goldfish, rocking chairs, and a Jacuzzi. The armories will have slingshots,
wooden spikes, chainsaws, meat cleavers, and plastic bags. There will also be transplanted wildlife native to the urban landscape,
such as dogs, cats, horses, and lobsters, will the participants will be able to use for defense or nourishment, but not both.
The participants will be divided into 5 teams, referred to as “the teams.” There will be a brown team, blue team,
orange team, green team, and peanut butter wolf team. The teams will be assigned different areas of the compound, which they
will defend until there is only one team left. There will be no rules, except for some rules, known as “the rules.”
These rules consist of no smoking, drinking, crying, flying, thinking, questioning, wanting, fishing poaching, or unnecessary
breathing.
After all teams but one have been killed, the remaining team will then disband, and the game becomes “every man for
himself.” When there is one remaining hobo, he will be king of the hobos. The game will then become a “king of
the hill” game, with all newly homeless people entering the game and trying to defeat the reigning king.
The game, in its entirety, will be broadcast on a 24 hour live feed to its own television network. There will be no commercials,
except for commercials from advertisers who pay for the ad space, with the funds from these ads going to pay for the maintenance
of this program. Also, merchandising tie-ins will open up, such as the proposed “Hobo-fight” kids meal from McDonalds,
as well as the “hobo fight” hula hoop.
As you can clearly see, I’m a fucking genius. So fuck you, fucker.
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