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Who would win in a fight? The Atlas Site brings you the answers to the most important question in life: could Cap'n Crunch
give the Koolaid Man a beating to end all beatings?
Fight #1: Bill Nye and Captain Planet
  
This one is tough. Normally, a superhero could kick the ass out of any pussy scientist. However, Captain Planet is a
fucking pansy. I mean, really. What are his super powers? Saving the earth? Fuck that. Recycling and Arbor Day don't mean
shit when it's time to throw down. This one time on Bill Nye's show, he ran around without socks on and then used his foot
sweat to grow crystals. Thats fucking rad. He could use his science skills to totally ruin the Planeteers, too. Especially
Ma-Ti. What kind of fucking power is "heart" anyway? What a queer. Bill Nye would definitely win, unless Captain Planet recycled
a bomb into a bigger bomb and blew it up, and Bill Nye got hit by shrapnel and got tetanus. But Bill Nye could use chemistry
to cure himself, so Captain Plant loses no matter what.
Fight #2: Rocko and Stephen Hawking
 
First of all, this fight has great marketing potential. "Rocko versus Hawko." Fuck yeah. Put that on a shirt and
shit'll sell like something that sells very quickly. One would naturally assume that the quadrapeligic would get his ass kicked
by a wallaby, even if it looks like a dog, but Stephen Hawking is fucking smart. He might have special mind powers that
nobody knows about because he's been saving them for a moment like this. Everybody puts their money on a Rocko and all of
a sudden he's being ripped in half by Stephen Hawkings brain. That would be pretty cool.
Fight #3: Bruce Vilanch and a loaf of bread
 
The fat guy just eats the bread, right? Right. However, The bread is poisoned, so the fat fuck dies and the bread wins.
Go bread.
Fight #4: a pair of cargo pants and Russia
Ok, Russia wins. No contest. Cargo pants suck and so do the people that wear them. The loaf of bread would come kick
the cargo pants' ass too. And then strangle the people that wear them. You dont need that many pockets and you look like a
kook, fucker.
The Main Event
Cap'n Crunch and the Koolaid man
This is a very evenly matched fight. Both have been around for a long time. Both are delicious. Both come in many flavors.
Both have eyes that dont make sense. Looks at the captains eyes. Why are they partially on his hat? How does the Koolaid man
see when his eyes are just black dots on a glass pitcher. He definitely lacks optic nerves, among other things. Both have
been reduced to pussies by current marketing campaigns. If they were to fight, they would unite against the people that have
wronged them, and Bruce Vilanch, and take over the world in a storm of tastiness.
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