Not like that Elton John song
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Iron Chef

like a sequel, except worse.

Who would win in a fight to the death?

Not affiliated with Celebrity Deathmatch

Ryan Seacrest vs. Ryan seacrest

This is a good match. Either way, Ryan Seacrest dies.


The winner: America

Mr. Bucket vs. A Hungry, Hungry Hippo

Mr. Bucket, balls pop out of his mouth. That's how the song goes, right? Well, the Hungry Hungry Hippo's existence is based solely on eating little balls. He would try to eat the balls and then get sick and die. Except that the abreviation for Hungry Hungry Hippo is HHH.

Ghiberti vs. Brunelleschi







Dude, remember how back in the 1400's, the cloth traders guild of Florence held a contest to design the doors of the new baptistry? And how it all came down to Ghiberti and Brunelleschi, and Ghiberti's portrayel of the sacrifice of Issac was SOO better than Brunelleschi's? Brunelleschi got served!*

Ben Stein vs. Rammstein



This match would take place on an episode of Win Ben Stein's Money. The guest host would be Busta Rhymes. Rammstein wouldn't be able to get any correct answers because they don't speak English, and everybody knows that if something isn't said in English then it doesn't really matter. So, Ben Stein wins and Rammstein is forced to eat spinach grown after July.

Me vs. L. Ron Hubbard

This isn't so much of a match as it is L. Ron Hubbard being tied to a chair while I make ants bite him. You know why? The movie version of Battlefield Earth. Also Scientology, but mostly the movie version of Battlefield Earth. The book was 1050 pages long. I read the whole damn thing. Then I saw the movie, which was the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen, and I wished i was dead. God Damn you L. Ron Hubbard.

*This commentary brought to you by the Atlas Historical Accuracy Society. The Atlas History Accuracy Society is sponsored by Godwin Puetershmidt Coffee Filters.

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